running in his footsteps

During long runs I repeat a cadence in my head to keep me motivated and moving. One of my favorites is "I am a marathoner and I love to run! In the rain or in the sun, up a hill or down a slope, running far-it gives me hope!". More frequently I just repeat "I am a marathoner and I love to run!" or "I am a mother and I love my son!” over and over on beat with my steps. The other day I created a new cadence unconsciously. It's not very catchy and is a little harder to keep to a beat but for some reason I began repeating a line to a song that I've had stuck in my head. It's not really even a whole line, just a few words. At first I didn't even notice I was doing it. But the other day I realized that I kept repeating "...this newly impassioned soooouuuul...” I knew right away they were the words of a Mumford & Sons song, but I couldn't remember the whole line, the context in which it was used or even the title of the song. After I realized what I was doing I started thinking about these words and why I felt the need to repeat these words while I ran.


While reflecting on these words I started to think about my dad. If I were to say that I have a newly impassioned soul I can pinpoint the moments that led me to it. In my father's last weeks the house was always full. He was surrounded by people that wanted to tell him one last time how much he meant to them and how much they loved him, or just simply sit and hold his hand. The day before he died all six of us kids and my mom were praying next to his bed. My dad was in and out of lucidity. When he would wake up he would always look at my mom and smile. My mom asked him if he wanted to say anything and he smiled and said “I love you” then gave her a kiss. She turned to us and asked us if we wanted to say anything to him. We promised to take care of my mom and each other. I told my dad that we will be his legacy. My brother finished my thought by adding that we will live our lives the way he taught us to. The next morning he died.

It's hard to describe the feelings I felt on the day of his memorial mass. I was sad. No, I was devastated by my father's death but until that day I hadn't had to face the reality of it. There were so many details to complete for the memorial and my brothers and sisters and I lost ourselves in these small tasks. I knew that the memorial would make it more real than it had been in the days before and I was terrified to face it. I remember arriving about thirty minutes early to the memorial. I avoided stopping to talk with anyone on my way to my seat in the front of the church. As I sat there, my right hand holding my husband's hand, my left holding my grandma's hand, I couldn't help but feel the anxiety growing. The silence in the church made my stomach turn. I didn't dare turn around for fear of seeing the empty seats. I was so mad at all the people that had loved my father so much while he was alive. Where were they when it came time to honor his memory? Sam must have felt the tension building in my grip on his hand. He leaned over and whispered "It's so full that people are lining up in the back by the doors." I felt myself exhale for the first time since I had stepped in the church.

After receiving my father’s friends and family members for over two hours I began to reflect on my own life. In fact, in the last three months I have reflected quite a bit on who I am and how I impact the people in my life and my community. What was the legacy that I would leave behind?

This is all is what led me to the phrase “newly impassioned soul”. I feel an obligation to live up to the legacy that my dad left behind but also to be a positive force in the lives of the ones I love and my community. To fulfill this obligation I've made a systemic change in my life. I've made the commitment to always love unconditionally and I've started donating my time. I am now volunteering at the American Cancer Society, Girls on the Run and I am taking a more active role in improving the lives of women and girls through the works of Soroptimists of Columbus and Franklin County. As you know, I've decided to take back the control of my health and be sweeter in my everyday interactions with others. I'm educating myself on the policies that affect my state, city and community and I've been staying in contact with our elected officials on these issues. Most of all, I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to stay home with my son and be able to take responsibility for his growth and development. I can only hope that he will grow up to be a genuinely good person with an impassioned soul. I guess in short I've decided to live fully, love passionately...and run far.